Reminder to self: I define me. Not anybody else. Just me. And as I evolve so does my vocabulary.
This was me trying to plan out my week last Monday. Trying being the key word here. Baby A was home from school so we had a date day. Parks and coffee shops and kabobs for lunch. And for some reason I thought he would be perfectly fine with his toys while I got out my planner and notebook. Ha. Sometimes my new-ish mom naïveté cracks even me up.
I’ve been committing to truly designing my week. And by designing I mean putting in self care as well as emails and grocery shopping. Last week I told @meghmccoy on our @rockyourbliss podcast that I really wanted to commit to meditating and moving my body every week. Meditation used to be a mainstay and now my mornings are mostly about chasing a little human until he leaves for school. Meghan told me that she knows I’m a “feelings person” and if I don’t feel like doing something I don’t “have to” I don’t. Ugh. This is so true.
Her advice was this - plan your workouts and then do them. No matter what. And if you notice that you prefer yoga on Mondays instead of a bunch of push ups schedule that. But it truly boils down to this very important point - Do what you say you’ll do. Period. I’m pretty damn good at doing that for other people but it’s time to be doing it for myself.
My commitments :
+ Moving my body every week day. Sweaty practices like hiking, HIIT workout, Peloton and yoga. Weekends are for playing outside with my fam but left unscheduled.
+ Drinking 8+ glasses of water everyday and supplementing with @drinko2recovery, my favorite natural recovery drink. Oh and plenty of greens.
+ Meditating every weekday and on the weekends with husband when the stars align.
Okay time to get back to, you know, doing what I said I’d do. 👌🏼
Since I was a little girl and was allowed to be alone with a pair of scissors, collaging/vision boarding/cutting shit outta magazines has been one of my favorite things in the world. Music on (currently Sinead Harnett and London Grammar), big tea brewed and Nag Champa burning. I lost track of time for at least an hour and a half and for a Virgo like me, that’s nothing to scoff at.
Due to our circumstances nothing much can change right now but I’m absolutely dreaming and visioning the future. And there’s a lot of fresh air and possibility there. I hope you’ll visit.
You've got it all wrong.
You didn't come here to master unconditional love. This is where you came from and where you'll return.
You came here to learn personal love.
Infused with divinity.
Lived through the grace of stumbling.
Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up.
You didn't come here to be perfect, you already are.
You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous.
And rising again into remembering.
But unconditional love? Stop telling that story.
Love in truth doesn't need any adjectives.
It doesn't require modifiers.
It doesn't require the condition of perfection.
It only asks you to show up.
And do your best.
That you stay present and feel fully.
That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as you.
- C. Walsh .
Happy Valentine’s Day to both my boys. And majorly to my husband, @matt_aporta, who has walked alongside me through many messy, many painful, many beautiful times, and sometimes carried me too, I love you so much. You are my mirror and I learn so much from our marriage. Sometimes the easy way, sometimes not so much. Some days we are a love epic and some days worthy of a reality TV show. 😂 Our love is ours and doesn’t belong to anyone else. Couldn’t do any of this without your support and your strength and your cooking. Foreva, eva. ♥️
This morning I was rushing around. Rushing to make my coffee. To make Baby A breakfast. To feed the dog. To answer my text messages. You know the drill. Just rushing.
We got to daycare and I went to pull him out of his car seat and I just looked in his eyes. The deepest, brownest eyes and he gave me a huge smile with his eight teeth showing.
He just learned to walk so I put him down and we walked over to a park bench outside where we just sat. I left my phone in the car and watched him take in the sky and the other kids and the plants along the sidewalk. I told him I loved him about twenty times.
Then, after several minutes of just sitting together, we walked hand in hand down the hallway for the first time, him stumbling and me so proud.
It was ordinary but it wasn’t at all. This was the best part of my day. And probably because I was finally paying attention.
Being here in the mountains just feels easy. Fresh air and friends who are family and the best damn morning coffee I could imagine.
Lately I’m really listening to life as it tells me which direction to go. More of this, less of that. More flow, more synchronicity. When I slow down I’m able to see what my friend Rand calls “God winks.” This morning three beautiful deer, my favorite animal, walked right up to the deck as I stood outside barefoot with my cup of coffee and took them in.
I feel connected. And it’s a choice. To feel connected to myself, to my best friend over coffee, to the sweetest deer as they approached the house, to those I understand and those I don’t. I see it when I believe it. And I’m trying that belief on every single hour.
This year already seems to be about the pause. Whether it’s an involuntary pause being laid out with sickness or court delays. Or the intentional pauses which I’m cultivating much more frequently as well. It’s so easy for me to get swept up in fear, in worry, in wild thoughts and story fondling. It seems so “real.” It seems like something that needs to be remedied or forced, right now, right away.
But I’m finding that for me the only thing that really matters, that really feels true is what is grounded in love. My teacher reminds me often to seek peace with a sense of urgency. Because what else really matters? Not the worries, not the to do list, not my or anyone else’s drama. Right now that peace is the sound of this little boy’s breathing and the sound of the rain. I will seek peace with a sense of urgency because it always, always leads me back home to myself. The real me, not the scared me, that I now truly love thirty five years in and am honored I get to be.