Practice Notes

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For years, I’ve battled against a lot of my shadow side. Being defensive, judgmental, self righteous. Things that felt ugly would seem to bubble up out of nowhere. Mostly, I’d keep them inside but every once in awhile there’d be some lucky recipient of my wrath and it was usually someone I love dearly. Ugh.

It’s taken a lot of time and work and life humbling the shit out of me to realize that under that defense was just a scared little girl. That all my unloving thoughts, words and actions came from one place. Fear. “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me.” “I’ll leave before you do.” “I’ll judge you to mask my own fear that I’m inferior.”

But now that I’ve recognized this for what it is, I feel so much more compassionate when it comes up. I coax it out of myself, “Okay you’re scared. Why?” .

And now I see it everywhere. Where there isn’t love it’s just fear. And, for some people, so much of it.

These words by Eckart Tolle keep my heart wide open. (Try reading this again and again, especially when you’ve got that person who really challenges you or is coming for your jugular.)

“If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion and peace.

The ego does not like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength.

Whenever you receive whoever comes into the space of Now as a noble guest, when you allow each person to be as they are, they begin to change.”

You Didn't Waste Your Love Ever

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The most important thing I can do, with all of life’s ebbing and flowing, is stay open. My teacher often asks “What would love do?” Love would make eye contact and messy cry and show up no matter what. Because if we are really in this world and paying any attention our hearts break a hundred times a day. I’m working to stay in this space. The broken open space, the not always pretty space, because it seems to me that’s where the living is happening. Not in comparison, anger or judgement but in love. Use up my heart, Life. Every last inch. That’s what I’m here for.

Fresh Air and Possibility

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Since I was a little girl and was allowed to be alone with a pair of scissors, collaging/vision boarding/cutting shit outta magazines has been one of my favorite things in the world. Music on (currently Sinead Harnett and London Grammar), big tea brewed and Nag Champa burning. I lost track of time for at least an hour and a half and for a Virgo like me, that’s nothing to scoff at.

Due to our circumstances nothing much can change right now but I’m absolutely dreaming and visioning the future. And there’s a lot of fresh air and possibility there. I hope you’ll visit. 

My Valentines

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Dear Human:
You've got it all wrong.

You didn't come here to master unconditional love. This is where you came from and where you'll return.

You came here to learn personal love.
Universal love.
Messy love.
Sweaty Love.
Crazy love.
Broken love.
Whole love.
Infused with divinity.
Lived through the grace of stumbling.
Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up.
Often.

You didn't come here to be perfect, you already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous.

And rising again into remembering.

But unconditional love? Stop telling that story.

Love in truth doesn't need any adjectives.
It doesn't require modifiers.
It doesn't require the condition of perfection.

It only asks you to show up.
And do your best.
That you stay present and feel fully.
That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as you.

Its enough.

It's plenty.

- C. Walsh .

Happy Valentine’s Day to both my boys. And majorly to my husband, who has walked alongside me through many messy, many painful, many beautiful times, and sometimes carried me too, I love you so much. You are my mirror and I learn so much from our marriage. Sometimes the easy way, sometimes not so much. Some days we are a love epic and some days worthy of a reality TV show. Our love is ours and doesn’t belong to anyone else. Couldn’t do any of this without your support and your strength and your cooking. Foreva, eva.

Connection is a Choice

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Being here in the mountains just feels easy. Fresh air and friends who are family and the best damn morning coffee I could imagine.

Lately I’m really listening to life as it tells me which direction to go. More of this, less of that. More flow, more synchronicity. When I slow down I’m able to see what my friend Rand calls “God winks.” This morning three beautiful deer, my favorite animal, walked right up to the deck as I stood outside barefoot with my cup of coffee and took them in.

I feel connected. And it’s a choice. To feel connected to myself, to my best friend over coffee, to the sweetest deer as they approached the house, to those I understand and those I don’t. I see it when I believe it. And I’m trying that belief on every single hour.

The Pause

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This year already seems to be about the pause. Whether it’s an involuntary pause being laid out with sickness or court delays. Or the intentional pauses which I’m cultivating much more frequently as well. It’s so easy for me to get swept up in fear, in worry, in wild thoughts and story fondling. It seems so “real.” It seems like something that needs to be remedied or forced, right now, right away.

But I’m finding that for me the only thing that really matters, that really feels true is what is grounded in love. My teacher reminds me often to seek peace with a sense of urgency. Because what else really matters? Not the worries, not the to do list, not my or anyone else’s drama. Right now that peace is the sound of this little boy’s breathing and the sound of the rain. I will seek peace with a sense of urgency because it always, always leads me back home to myself. The real me, not the scared me, that I now truly love thirty five years in and am honored I get to be.