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For years, I’ve battled against a lot of my shadow side. Being defensive, judgmental, self righteous. Things that felt ugly would seem to bubble up out of nowhere. Mostly, I’d keep them inside but every once in awhile there’d be some lucky recipient of my wrath and it was usually someone I love dearly. Ugh.

It’s taken a lot of time and work and life humbling the shit out of me to realize that under that defense was just a scared little girl. That all my unloving thoughts, words and actions came from one place. Fear. “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me.” “I’ll leave before you do.” “I’ll judge you to mask my own fear that I’m inferior.”

But now that I’ve recognized this for what it is, I feel so much more compassionate when it comes up. I coax it out of myself, “Okay you’re scared. Why?” .

And now I see it everywhere. Where there isn’t love it’s just fear. And, for some people, so much of it.

These words by Eckart Tolle keep my heart wide open. (Try reading this again and again, especially when you’ve got that person who really challenges you or is coming for your jugular.)

“If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion and peace.

The ego does not like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength.

Whenever you receive whoever comes into the space of Now as a noble guest, when you allow each person to be as they are, they begin to change.”

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Yesterday we began the final day of our Rock Your Bliss retreat with designing our ideal “regular” day. Mine included enough sleep, a deep meditation and some coffee shop time amongst a bunch of other good stuff. I landed at home at midnight last night, got about four or five hours of sleep and basically kissed and high fived my husband as he left for a week away for work. I quickly discovered Baby A wouldn’t be heading to daycare because of a diaper rash situation and started to scramble to figure out my work day. I left my best friend a voicemail laughing “Today is a lot of things but not my ideal day.”

I’m tired and look like I’ve aged a couple of years but I was so lucky to share my morning latte next to Baby A as he ran around the coffee shop and I showed him that the sidewalk cigarette butts are not something we want to pick up. I made it to Venice for my private because my friend of almost a decade(!) Rachelle saved the day and took Baby A on an adventure. We have listened to music, watched Farmees and may even curl up together for a nap. (Please God. Slightly pleading.)

Every once in awhile that ideal day happens and then so does a seriously shitshow of a day and it’s perfect. A big, messy, covered in graham crackers and milk, need-a-nap kinda day. Perfect.

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The most important thing I can do, with all of life’s ebbing and flowing, is stay open. My teacher often asks “What would love do?” Love would make eye contact and messy cry and show up no matter what. Because if we are really in this world and paying any attention our hearts break a hundred times a day. I’m working to stay in this space. The broken open space, the not always pretty space, because it seems to me that’s where the living is happening. Not in comparison, anger or judgement but in love. Use up my heart, Life. Every last inch. That’s what I’m here for.

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This man supports my heart, my breath and my work. He is my mirror and sometimes I don’t like what is reflected back. This is where I get to lean in and work harder. Thank you for walking side by side me and navigating an often rougher terrain in exchange for a wholehearted, “all in” kinda life and a larger than life purpose. Damn, I love this life of ours. It’s so different than I pictured it. And I wouldn’t trade it for one minute.

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This was me trying to plan out my week last Monday. Trying being the key word here. Baby A was home from school so we had a date day. Parks and coffee shops and kabobs for lunch. And for some reason I thought he would be perfectly fine with his toys while I got out my planner and notebook. Ha. Sometimes my new-ish mom naïveté cracks even me up.

I’ve been committing to truly designing my week. And by designing I mean putting in self care as well as emails and grocery shopping. Last week I told @meghmccoy on our @rockyourbliss podcast that I really wanted to commit to meditating and moving my body every week. Meditation used to be a mainstay and now my mornings are mostly about chasing a little human until he leaves for school. Meghan told me that she knows I’m a “feelings person” and if I don’t feel like doing something I don’t “have to” I don’t. Ugh. This is so true.

Her advice was this - plan your workouts and then do them. No matter what. And if you notice that you prefer yoga on Mondays instead of a bunch of push ups schedule that. But it truly boils down to this very important point - Do what you say you’ll do. Period. I’m pretty damn good at doing that for other people but it’s time to be doing it for myself.

My commitments :
+ Moving my body every week day. Sweaty practices like hiking, HIIT workout, Peloton and yoga. Weekends are for playing outside with my fam but left unscheduled.
+ Drinking 8+ glasses of water everyday and supplementing with @drinko2recovery, my favorite natural recovery drink. Oh and plenty of greens.
+ Meditating every weekday and on the weekends with husband when the stars align.

Okay time to get back to, you know, doing what I said I’d do. 👌🏼

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Since I was a little girl and was allowed to be alone with a pair of scissors, collaging/vision boarding/cutting shit outta magazines has been one of my favorite things in the world. Music on (currently Sinead Harnett and London Grammar), big tea brewed and Nag Champa burning. I lost track of time for at least an hour and a half and for a Virgo like me, that’s nothing to scoff at.

Due to our circumstances nothing much can change right now but I’m absolutely dreaming and visioning the future. And there’s a lot of fresh air and possibility there. I hope you’ll visit.