In preparation for a trip to the Northern Lights with Folk Rebellion I began packing my bags. I made a few lists. I bought some legit cold weather shit. And I started to emotionally part ways with my technological counter parts.
Then a few hours later I drove myself to the emergency room with unbelievable pain and a fever of 103.5.
After hours in the ER and multiple rounds of blood work, x-rays and scans it became clear I would not be leaving for Canada or even the hospital for that matter.
I had something weird called sigmoid volvulus. To be frank it's basically where your colon twists in two and yes, it's as painful as it sounds. Rather than adventuring through the snowy wilderness with some of my favorite people I'd instead be bedridden, watching HGTV and talking all about poop.
I felt bad. I felt bad physically. I felt awful that my husband didn't get his long overdue vacation from work. And I mostly felt badly for disappointed my friends who were hosting the retreat and depending on me.
What do I do when I feel things I don't want to feel? I numb out. And my drug of choice is social media. I started scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. The exact thing I was so looking forward to (and was certainly scared about) leaving behind for several days.
I felt more lethargic. I felt sadder. But I made a decision: I put my phone on airplane mode. I read an entire novel in one day. I napped.. a lot. I watched "Tiny Houses." (I fucking love that show.) I went for a walk with my sweet husband and my IV to watch the sun set over downtown from a hospital window. I took a few more deep breaths even if they were full of stale hospital air.
I realized I didn't need to travel all the way to the middle of Canada to experience being unplugged. All I needed to do was make a conscious choice to be more present to this big, messy life I'm so blessed to call mine.
I missed a trip but I got to touch some gratitude deep inside of me that didn't let me get on that plane and have something worse happen.. that I'm surrounded by so much love and support and good people.. that I have a life I really want to show up for.
Peace out blisscrafters. Back on airplane mode.