Last night I was sitting on the couch with Baby A in my lap, resting on my thighs, watching the fan as usual. I'm watching some British show on Netflix and am absolutely engrossed. After a few minutes I hear a little chuckle and look down and he's smiling at me. Not just a small smile, but an all out toothless grin. I smile back, so big that I have tears in my eyes, and we start to laugh. Laughing so hard together I now have tears streaming down my face and his two dimples are as deep as they can possibly be.
These are the moments when my entire being says, "This is it! Pay attention."
And I do. I studied his big brown eyes and his giant smile and the way his tiny hand holds my thumb for dear life. I I had rationalized these moments in my training at the foster adoption agency.
"You'll fall in love. You're supposed to."
But no one prepared me for this steep slide straight into unconditional love.
So how do I do this? With all the unknowing?
I breathe in, I breathe out. I step forward. Then I step forward again.
And I'm wrapping myself up in unconditional love and soulfulness and reminders that it's okay for this to be hard and scary and all the things. That I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to.
I've given myself permission to get off of the rollercoaster of constant calls and updates from social workers and lawyers. Off the rollercoaster of wondering if this is forever. I remind myself of right now. Again. And again. And again.
I'm calling on every practice and every lesson I've ever learned. From books and teachers and heartbreak and stumbling and sobriety and meditation and all the fucking up. And all the opening up.
Right now, in the present moment, is where it's easy. It's where the breath is. It's where I can touch the refuge of my own heartbeat.
"I am a lover of what is not because I'm a spiritual person but because it hurts to argue with reality. No thinking in the world can change it. What is is. Everything I need is already here. How do I know I don't need it? I don't have it. So everything I need is supplied." - Byron Katie
I have all I need. You do too.