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“The peace that we are looking for is not peace that crumbles as soon as there is difficulty or chaos. Whether we’re seeking inner peace or global peace or a combination of the two, the way to experience it is to build on the foundation of unconditional openness to all that arises. Peace isn’t an experience free of challenges, free of rough and smooth, it’s an experience that’s expansive enough to include all that arises without feeling threatened.” – Pema Chödrön

Oh, foster care. I’d like to think I picked this path but I have no doubt it chose me. Some days I’m seriously exhausted by staying in relationship with the unknown. Some days I have (mostly inner) temper tantrums and just wanna run away. I’m a human and this shit is beyond hard and I honor that.

But I’m being taught again and again that the only peace to be found is in the present moment. Not in wondering what got me here or obsessively imagining the future. Not in placing all my happiness on external factors. Just staying here. Right here. Minute to minute.

Foster care is my way of receiving life’s medicine, life’s lessons. Our paths and our storylines may look different but the lesson is the same: the way to experience peace is to build on the foundation of unconditional openness to all that arises. None of us are guaranteed a thing. None of us are exempt from uncertainty.

Hardest, most important work we will ever do. And the work is never done but the gifts are endless.

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Oh March. You were beautiful. You were challenging. You were everything that 2019 has been so far for me.

Some moments:
+ Teaching for the first time at @kripalucenter with @rockyourbliss. Silent breakfasts were pretty damn nice.
+ Diving back into life practice with my coach who has changed my whole world.
+ Returning to Sayulita for our @rockyourbliss retreat. Re-affirmed that it’s one of my soulmate kinda places. And that the right people always show up.
+ Going dark for a few days with foster care. Felt immense fear and remembered I don’t live that way anymore. I am tending to and protecting my peace. However necessary.
+ Having my first Reiki experience. Then two more. Bliss rocked.
+ Baby molars coming in. Bliss definitely not rocked.
+ Lots of sweaty pursuits in the yoga room, on the @onepeloton, with @theclass, in the yoga pagoda at @hotelito_los_suenos. And a lot of rehydrating with my drink of choice @drinko2recovery.
+ Trying on believing in magic and miracles and leaving the skeptic in me behind.
+ Having some serious conversations with my husband @Matt_aporta to realign and recommit to just us. Shedding these layers of the last year’s tension and of the past. Also date nights are a must.

Taking a moment to say thank you and goodbye to a month (...lifetime?) that has really shown me how I can truly thrive and where I keep myself stuck. This evolution is a privilege. (Also I’d really like a maca milkshake from @la_esperanza_sayulita right now. Meet there in 15 @jackicarr? 😉)

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You determine the course of your day. Not someone else’s requests, not your email inbox, not your text messages or voicemails. I don’t know why I need to be reminded of this so often but I do.

I recently read that in one single day Facebook users were spending a collective 39,757 years worth of attention on the site, in one single day. This is from a study done in 2014 by the @nytimes. I’d imagine by now it’s even crazier.

My question for myself this week is: what am I paying attention to?

And I don’t want it to be a screen. I’m going to spend time working at the park. Watching our rambunctious little guy run barefoot in the grass. Drinking a matcha and doing nothing else. Dreaming about a future of fresh air and close friends and adventures and seeing the stars every night. That’s what I’m going to pay attention to. Otherwise I’m going to be paying attention to someone else’s life highlights and someone else else’s needs and miss the whole damn thing.

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I scribbled this a few days ago as I sat alone in the window of Esperanza, my favorite lunch spot in Sayulita, after a week of leading a retreat and being in a completely different state of being. I don’t think I realized how much I was carrying until I arrived in Mexico and some of the layers began to peel off.
I truly thought I was “managing” pretty well but in retrospect, I was getting by.

Fifteen months of living with major uncertainty coupled with falling into the deepest love I have ever known had taken its toll. I was scared. Around the clock, gripping, contracted, trying to control.

Not much has changed about my external circumstances and I’m not sure when they will. None of us do. But I have complete choice in what I pay attention to, how I cultivate peace and who I’m being for myself and for the world.

I am peeling it off. Putting it down. I am committed to living lighter.

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My intention on this retreat was to not only hold space but wholeheartedly receive whatever I was supposed to.

And receive I have: through this group of vulnerable women, through my Reiki sessions in this beautiful space, through Maca smoothies at Esperanza, through afternoon conversations with my best friend, through sunshine and laughter and surf and tears and tacos.

I’m leaving with this commitment, knowing that it’s true right now: I am worthy, abundant and I trust the timing of my life. I believe in magic and I believe in miracles.