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For this past year I’ve reflected mostly on Baby A and this foster care rollercoaster we have been on. I talk about uncertainty and impermanence and how these have transformed from “concepts” to a sort of life credo. My life has had a sense of urgency to it. I’m not even sure that makes sense but I’ve been much more aware of how fleeting this all is.

That being said I don’t know if I’ve been taking the time to honor all the tiny and massive miracles that have occurred to get me here.

Like right here, sitting on a park bench with a cup of coffee, in the neighborhood where I live and didn’t even know existed until I moved out of Iowa. With a messy ponytail and a notebook full of ideas and heart absolutely full of all the feels.

That this life I’m living now is one I once thought impossible. It’s one I prayed for. Thank you @alchemyambi for this reminder this morning. That what I prayed for is happening. This is the possibility I’m living into this year. Every single day.

Grateful for all the missteps, dance moves and leaps that got me here.

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For One Who Is Exhausted, a Blessing
By John O’Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

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Best rainy day vibes in the yoga room. Life has felt beyond messy this week. Literally messy from this constant rain but also how am I sick again / why do I have so many emails / am I doing “this” right kind of messy.

I noticed my overwhelm and anxiety come in waves and then I watched it dissipate. It’ll come again. The doubt, the anxiousness, all the feels. But I remember that I have the ability to flow with it rather than fight against it.

And I’m a much better person when I spend some time sitting in this space. Once I’m no longer hacking up a lung I plan to enjoy my breath again. Thoroughly.

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I have a quote posted to my bathroom mirror. It is by French sculptor Auguste Rodin and it reads : Patience is also a form of action.

I need to be reminded of these words every morning (and a few more times throughout the day.) I may look it but I’m not a patient person. When I get a place where I want to make a move or a shift or have something happen, I try to do it. But foster care has taught me that that’s not always an option. I can’t just hop on a plane with my family. I’m not making a move outta LA anytime soon. And certainties that I ache for are simply out of my control.

Of course this is frustrating. I am human and I have my moments of absolutely resisting this. But it’s also taught me to slow down and be with what is. To allow what is to be more than enough. And that’s patience right?.

So my passport isn’t getting much use but my heart is. And a walk around this lake can be the most satisfying in the universe if I’m willing to just be there. To be here.

These are lessons I’m learning over and over again. Sometimes in the sweetest, kindest way and sometimes in a straight up whirlwind of panic. But I’m listening. And I’m here.

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“We do not have to get it together before we show up.”

I read this Anne Lamott quote a few days and everything in me said YES. I remember having a conversation several months back about foster care. A friend of mine told me that we shouldn’t share, write or speak about what we are going through until we are complete with it. I totally understood what she was saying. That we should know why we are sharing something before we do. And I agree.

But I also wholeheartedly believe in sharing the mess. (I mean clearly... 😂) I spent a lot of my twenties absolutely convinced that other people had it figured out and I was behind. Come to find out there’s no equation that can solve all of life’s peaks and valleys. Just presence.

Here’s to baring our underbelly more often than not. To owning up to being human. To say “Yep, me too” rather than judge. Though our story lines might be different we ALL feel and experience the same things. I wanna feel it all.

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As I say goodbye to 2018 I wanted to reflect on what this transformational year has taught me. Here’s my reminders to self of what I’ve learned during 2018, the year the universe schooled me.

+ To limit words like always, never, should.

+ That five years ago you were totally unsure if you wanted to be a mom. And today it’s the greatest gift of your life. Perspectives change as you do.

+ Library cards will save you a ton of money and make you giddy every time you get new books.

+ Try to take things less personally. Let it roll off.

+ You don’t know what’s going to happen in five minutes or five years. When you stop resisting this you embrace uncertainty with curiosity and feel much more free.

+ Hoping does not “jinx” things. Do more of it.

+ “Life is happening for me not to me.” Also file away as: being a victim sucks for you and everybody else so don’t do it anymore.

+ Having a partner who has your back is the greatest gift ever. Even when you have some serious fights on occasion. Don’t make it wrong. Just let yourself be a human.

+ You and the universe are writing your story. No need to explain yourself constantly or label your experiences or yourself.

+ Slowing down is imperative for your wellbeing. Magnetize rather than hustle and struggle.

+ Your resentments have very little to do with other people and everything to do with you.

+ Your coach taught you that reality is always kinder than our thoughts about it. Also asking for help is a good thing. Like hiring someone or calling your best friend at midnight.

+ What is meant for you will find you. Period.

2018, thank you.

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There’s a word I’m going to leave behind in 2018 and that word is HUSTLE.

Instead I’m focusing on being deliberate in where I focus my attention, in what I’m creating and in how I’m caring for myself and my family. Sometimes I scroll through Instagram and feel behind. And truthfully I feel exhausted. More, more, more. There’s so much pressure to create more, to make more, to attract more but the question I’m asking myself now is: What is the cost?.

I don’t want to pay that price by not having the time to appreciate what’s right here now. To pay the price of not being myself. To pay the price by not signing off or out.

As Edith Eger writes: When you have something to prove you aren’t free.

Cheers to slowing down, looking around and saying “Thank you” way more often than “What’s next?” There’s nothing to prove. And there’s everything to appreciate. Quality over quantity. It feels true in every way.