You Are Not Alone

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I had my first ever reiki session yesterday afternoon and finally began to peel off some of the tension I’ve been wearing for the past year and a half. I felt a sense of peace I haven’t in years, despite the amount of praying, meditating and chataranga-ing I try to do.

If you are going through a period of darkness, of fear, of anxiety, of loss, know that you are not alone. Life is full of experiences that break our hearts open. Damn, it can be painful. Sometimes I want to lock away these big, scary feelings and throw away the key. Sometimes I do. But I know this: it’s part of the deal of being human. And keeping a broken heart open is how we stay in relationship with life. Impermanence colors everything a more vibrant hue.

I’m trying to reminding myself of this every two minutes and maybe you are too. Sending big love and deep ocean breaths.

Your Peace

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My teacher asked me a big question a few days ago, when I was experiencing the deep grip of fear and panic. She said, “How much of your peace is reliant on external circumstances? And how is that working out for you?“.

I am here this week to listen, I’m here to receive the sacred in every deep belly breath of ocean air. I’m ready to carry spaces like this one within me and to cultivate soft places for my heart to land, day in and day out. I’m calling on spaciousness and peace and ease, please. I’ll do the work, I promise, so I’m available to be guided.

This retreat. Right on time, as always.

Practice Notes

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For years, I’ve battled against a lot of my shadow side. Being defensive, judgmental, self righteous. Things that felt ugly would seem to bubble up out of nowhere. Mostly, I’d keep them inside but every once in awhile there’d be some lucky recipient of my wrath and it was usually someone I love dearly. Ugh.

It’s taken a lot of time and work and life humbling the shit out of me to realize that under that defense was just a scared little girl. That all my unloving thoughts, words and actions came from one place. Fear. “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me.” “I’ll leave before you do.” “I’ll judge you to mask my own fear that I’m inferior.”

But now that I’ve recognized this for what it is, I feel so much more compassionate when it comes up. I coax it out of myself, “Okay you’re scared. Why?” .

And now I see it everywhere. Where there isn’t love it’s just fear. And, for some people, so much of it.

These words by Eckart Tolle keep my heart wide open. (Try reading this again and again, especially when you’ve got that person who really challenges you or is coming for your jugular.)

“If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion and peace.

The ego does not like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength.

Whenever you receive whoever comes into the space of Now as a noble guest, when you allow each person to be as they are, they begin to change.”

You Didn't Waste Your Love Ever

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The most important thing I can do, with all of life’s ebbing and flowing, is stay open. My teacher often asks “What would love do?” Love would make eye contact and messy cry and show up no matter what. Because if we are really in this world and paying any attention our hearts break a hundred times a day. I’m working to stay in this space. The broken open space, the not always pretty space, because it seems to me that’s where the living is happening. Not in comparison, anger or judgement but in love. Use up my heart, Life. Every last inch. That’s what I’m here for.

Fresh Air and Possibility

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Since I was a little girl and was allowed to be alone with a pair of scissors, collaging/vision boarding/cutting shit outta magazines has been one of my favorite things in the world. Music on (currently Sinead Harnett and London Grammar), big tea brewed and Nag Champa burning. I lost track of time for at least an hour and a half and for a Virgo like me, that’s nothing to scoff at.

Due to our circumstances nothing much can change right now but I’m absolutely dreaming and visioning the future. And there’s a lot of fresh air and possibility there. I hope you’ll visit. 

My Valentines

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Dear Human:
You've got it all wrong.

You didn't come here to master unconditional love. This is where you came from and where you'll return.

You came here to learn personal love.
Universal love.
Messy love.
Sweaty Love.
Crazy love.
Broken love.
Whole love.
Infused with divinity.
Lived through the grace of stumbling.
Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up.
Often.

You didn't come here to be perfect, you already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous.

And rising again into remembering.

But unconditional love? Stop telling that story.

Love in truth doesn't need any adjectives.
It doesn't require modifiers.
It doesn't require the condition of perfection.

It only asks you to show up.
And do your best.
That you stay present and feel fully.
That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as you.

Its enough.

It's plenty.

- C. Walsh .

Happy Valentine’s Day to both my boys. And majorly to my husband, who has walked alongside me through many messy, many painful, many beautiful times, and sometimes carried me too, I love you so much. You are my mirror and I learn so much from our marriage. Sometimes the easy way, sometimes not so much. Some days we are a love epic and some days worthy of a reality TV show. Our love is ours and doesn’t belong to anyone else. Couldn’t do any of this without your support and your strength and your cooking. Foreva, eva.