Welcome back

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When I walked in to teach my first yoga class this past Monday one of the girls looked at me and said “Welcome back.”

And then she said, “Oh wait, that was weird. You didn’t go anywhere.”

But I did. And welcome back is absolutely perfect. I feel like my spirit has been in a pressure cooker for the past couple of years. There have been moments that have felt downright unbearable, but when I reflect back, for the most part it just “was.”

A whole lot of stuff happened. Some things I labeled as stressful, amazing, life changing, “for certain.” Things happened. And I labeled them. I suffered. I celebrated. I worked diligently with my coach Shelli Lawrence and I stopped labeling quite as much. I suffered less. I celebrated a bit more. And today, I feel lighter.

Whatever space you are in today, it’s impermanent. It’s as fleeting as your breath, clouds, waves, weather. Keep your eyes open. Your heart open. I will too.

IV Me, Please

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A couple of months ago I scheduled with @thewlnss to have a vitamin IV in the comfort of my own home. You better believe I loaded that IV up with every anti-aging, beautifying supplement known to man, but when the day came, I was sick as can be. I’ll tell you what, having an IV in the comfort of your own home when you feel like complete hell (or honestly even if you don’t) was complete heaven. I napped afterward, woke up feeling much better and still finished the entire season of “Euphoria” because it’s not everyday this mama has the couch, the pup AND the Netflix to herself.

Thank you @thewlnss for seriously turning my week around.

Click here to register for your own IV, acupuncture or cupping at home and try for yourself. (Adorable bulldog not included.)

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There is more to life than conquering mountains

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I came across this poem, by @beautaplin, a few days ago:

There is more to life than conquering mountains,
than expanding all of your efforts
on achieving a singular goal
without taking a breath
or time to savour the view.
Slow Down
you are allowed
to set up camp
once in awhile

to set yourself
aside some time
to renew your heart

to lie your head
back in the soft grass
and marvel at the stars.

Oh my goodness.

The words “slow down you are allowed to set up camp once in awhile,” truly anchored in my heart. I often look at my endless to do list and endless email inbox and make the mistake of thinking that those things are the mountain that I’m climbing. That I’m meant to continue answering, checking off, filing away for the rest of my days. And I feel a sense of purpose when I look at a to do list that is no longer and an email inbox wiped clean.

But when I truly pause, as I did with my Morning Pages this morning, I’m meant to set up camp. For moments here and there, every single day. The true purpose is in the paying attention. To the mess of toys on the floor, the mess of words in my head and heart, the gorgeous mess of my relationships, my creative spirit, my whole life.

In Gratitude

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It’s been a very long time since I’ve sat down to write a gratitude list. I’d like to think I’m penning one in my head and sending thanks to the heavens pretty regularly but I love sitting down to the write these as well.

Feeling oh-so-grateful for:

For sunny afternoons with Baby A at the park looking at turtles, throwing rock or just looking up at the trees.
For this song.
And this one too.
For taking a break from teaching yoga and realizing how important it is in my life. Coming back to it like whoa.
For a week with my parents and Baby A. Watching him grow together has been such bliss.
For this checklist which reminds me of the magic of summertime.
For my breath. I’ve remembered to take deep breaths so much more often as of late.
For date nights with my man.
For best friends who are family. You know who you are. Thank you.
For a little baby boy who is about to be born to my brother and sister-in-law.
For having the time to write in a coffee shop on a Monday morning. So simple, so needed.

Meet Him Anew

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I use my practice to get out of my own way.

My coach Shelli asks me to meet my husband each morning anew. That when I cover him with imagined Post It note labels of who I think he is and how I think he should be, I don’t actually experience him. Just my idea of him.

Am I great at this? No, I’m not. But I’m learning. Do I still have moments where I wish he was different? That I was? For sure. It’s part of being human and in relationship. But the practice, whether it’s happening in a coaching session or one yoga mat, is where I return to reflect and work to change what isn’t working for me, for us. We aren’t perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, and we don’t need to be. All that matters is being in the work. Together.

In Relationship With Me

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On retreat our yoga teacher, Ally, said that self love means being in relationship with yourself, your whole self. It’s not about always being in a space of self love. It’s about allowing it to ebb and flow.

Here’s how I’m reinvesting in my relationship with me as of late.

1. Getting quiet. I’m spending more time with my journal, on my meditation cushion, even just enjoying those ten uninterrupted (sometimes) minutes in the shower.

2. Forgiving myself. I can’t do it all and beating myself up about it only makes me feel worse. I use my values as a way to get clear on how I can show up for my family and for myself. And then I do the best I can with emails and meal planning and friend dates.

3. I practice. I return to my mat again and again as an act of kindness to myself. I get on my mat, even if it’s pigeon pose I’m half asleep in, returning to my mat always means returning to myself. Pausing to breathe all throughout the day helps me maintain a baseline of calm-ishness.

How do you return to you?

Here To Be

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There are no words for how exposed I felt in this moment. I stood in front of everyone at the lululemon Immersion and I spoke my purpose statement. The one I had ninety seconds to write.

The moment I stepped into stage I pictured Baby A and I felt the last year and a half swell up inside of me. I showed my underbelly, absolutely nothing polished or inauthentic about it. I was shaking, heart beating out of control, tears running down my face. Hot mess express. But also fully human.

This is what I said:

I’m here to be a stand for authenticity and for soulfulness. For walking your talk.

A stand for the unconventional path to motherhood through foster care.

A stand for opening to uncertainty and impermanence with wide open arms. For growing your heart extra big and using up all of it.

A stand for being uncomfortable. For the introverts who have too much to say and do to sit back and be quiet.

A stand for family that encompasses way more than blood.

Here to be. For me and for you too.